Welcome,
This conversation was called in from our Depths of Motherhood and Women’s Circle communities and complements an episode with Dan Doty, founder of EVRYMAN and a leader in the global men's movement. With roots in nature, somatic meditation, and Tibetan Vajrayana lineage, Dan’s work bridges the sacred and the wild. Listen HERE
So today we will hold space for the boys and the men.
Content:
When it comes to men, we can first remember the obvious, we are all birthed from the meeting of the sperm and the egg. We all have men in our lives, and some of us, will go on to birth and raise boys.
For over a decade, I’ve worked closely with women and seen how the fatherhood wound affects our view of men. The impact can be deep. It’s not just about the absence, neglect, or abuse of a father but how these experiences affect our relationships with men and even our own children.
In my own life, I struggled with deepening into relationships with men, carrying the weight of my father’s absence and the scars from my brother's abusive father. This led me to believe in being fiercely independent, which, over time, became a defense mechanism.
During my 12 years in the military, the leadership I witnessed was fractured, abusive, and dishonest. It reinforced the belief that men could not be trusted to protect, lead, or hold integrity. I felt lost in a world where healthy role models were few and far between.
But, I’ve also experienced the opposite—men who embody love, care, and integrity. My brother radiated softness and unconditional love. My grandfather taught me tenderness and devotion. My stepdad's groundedness and maturity helped me rebuild trust in men. My uncles and last but not least my partner, Ilan, have offered me a space to soften into motherhood and womanhood, showing me how strong and gentle love can be.
I've lived through both the wounds and the healing. And, experiences within relationships that were showing the same patterns, I knew I had to shift something within myself. I came to the point of choosing unity, and compassion - breaking the patterns that kept me from seeing the full man.
This journey is ongoing, but I now hold the knowing that we can rise together, we have to!
If you feel called to deepen into this journey, consider exploring the fatherhood wound and the Fatherline Meditation. Find the meditations and explorations in my membership
Physiology and Inner Rhythms
Women are not simply smaller versions of men, and their physiology reflects unique rhythms and needs. Similarly, boys and men have physiological traits that shape their experiences and energy. Testosterone, often misunderstood as a driver of aggression, can be seen as a force of forward motion—fueling focus, drive, and momentum. This forward flow depends on where their attention is placed.
Men and boys also operate on a different hormonal rhythm compared to women. While women experience cycles over the course of a month, men typically have a 24-hour hormonal cycle. As someone who has spent years exploring my own physiology and tuning into the wisdom of my cycle, I’ve begun to delve more deeply into understanding the unique needs of boys and men. Supporting them includes creating spaces and opportunities that respect and align with their natural rhythms and needs.
Rites of Passage
What is a Rite of Passage?
Throughout history, societies have created ceremonies and rituals to honor key rites of passage, marking significant life transitions. But what is a rite of passage? Coined by Arnold Van Gennep in the early 20th century, the term refers to a ceremony that marks a transition, such as birth, marriage, or death. In his work The Rites of Passage, he describes three stages:
Separation – Detaching from the known.
Transition (Liminal Phase) – A state of in-between, with no defined role.
Reintegration – Returning transformed with a new identity.
However, societal shifts have influenced the traditional rites of passage from boyhood to manhood and into fatherhood, often altering or weakening their impact due to cultural changes, technological advances, and evolving family dynamics.
For women, biological markers like menstruation, childbirth, and menopause naturally highlight rites of passage, making them more conscious experiences. For men, these transitions can be less defined, leaving the path unclear.
If you’re a mother raising boys or have a partner curious about reclaiming rites of passage, open this up and discover how this can be created. How can we surround ourselves with role models and a loving community? How can we bring ceremony and ritual to protect and focus energy into this boy-to-man journey, ensuring he steps confidently over this bridge into manhood?
Many men I've spoken to about this topic have expressed the feeling of not having reached true manhood - and not knowing what that means. Feeling in a state of limbo, trying to become someone they think they 'should' be, disconnecting from their bodies and their true selves in the process. This disconnection leads to a conflict between the heart and ego.
Just as women have had their rites of passage disrupted and stolen, so too have men. And while it may not be as obvious, the effects are just as deep. The years go by, and many boys move through a system that spits them out ready to work - disconnected from their bodies and passions, leaving them in a place where their minds are overactive and their hearts starved. The more time passes, the more ‘normal’ this becomes. The perceived safety of the system, even though it feels like it’s protecting them, is often the real threat.
But, it doesn’t have to be this way. Through our work, our conversations, and the spaces we hold, we protect these rites of passage. There is hope in realigning focus on what truly matters. Men have walked this path of truth before and come out the other side, surviving and thriving. There are mentors all around the world, many who’ve been through this themselves, ready to guide and support men through these times—even if it’s only possible through virtual spaces.
Connect with Dan Doty for more support.
Now, let's explore this more deeply.
Disruption of Rites of Passage
( Vanuatu Land Diving Male Rites of Passages From Around the World | The Art of Manliness)
Loss of Structured Rites of Passage
In many traditional cultures, the transition from boyhood to manhood was marked by rites of passage led by male elders, involving challenges (some of which look pretty painful) or ceremonies that built resilience and responsibility. For example, the Sateré-Mawé tribe in Brazil uses an ant-filled glove to test endurance, while Australian Aboriginal boys embark on a solitary walkabout for self-discovery.
In modern societies, these rituals are often replaced by milestones like turning 18, with many of these transitions not supported or witnessed by healthy male figures.
Read more about global rites here.
Changing Fatherhood Dynamics
Fatherhood has undergone a significant evolution, moving from its traditional roles of financial provider and protector to include more emotional support, caregiving, and active involvement in children’s lives.
However, this adaptation comes with challenges, often left attempting to balance these expectations. But, challenges like these also present opportunities to deepen our relationships and connect more authentically with ourselves, creating our own unique family expression that supports all members.
Resources:
State of the World’s Fathers Report provides a comprehensive look at the evolving roles of fathers and their impact on families and society.
Harvard Kennedy School's Reducing Barriers to Engaged Fatherhood highlights key principles for fostering gender equity in parenting.
Together for Girls discusses Father’s Role in Changing Conversations on Gender Equality, emphasizing how fatherhood can promote equity and challenge traditional norms.
Influence of Consumerism and Media
In modern society, consumerism and media have replaced traditional rites of passage with individualistic milestones often tied to material success. Masculinity is often commercialized in media, focusing on external markers such as wealth, physical appearance, or dominance rather than emotional depth, responsibility, or integrity.
The media often presents stereotypical portrayals of men and fathers—undermining the depth and complexity of the whole being. This not only distorts public perception but can also limit men's ability to embrace the full spectrum of themselves.
Moreover, the concept of "toxic masculinity" is frequently projected onto men. Instead of recognizing the excess or ungrounded nature of this energy (unstable or excessive yang), society often labels it as toxic and only belonging to the man, leading to discrimination against men.
This projection can cause men to internalize negative stereotypes, ultimately accepting them as their truth, which limits their emotional expression and complicates their identity.
Decline of Mentorship and Community Support
Traditional societies often relied on the wisdom of elder men to guide younger generations through their transitions into manhood and fatherhood. These rites were communal, involving mentorship, ceremonies, and shared responsibilities that provided a sense of belonging and purpose.
However, modern urbanization and the shift to nuclear family structures have significantly diminished intergenerational connections. As a result, many boys and young fathers no longer have access to the mentorship that was once readily available in close-knit communities.
The rise of isolated living—fueled by the pandemic, working from home, and digital interactions—has further exacerbated this issue. Many now spend days without seeing others in person, relying on virtual interactions such as watching social media reels or playing online games for socialization.
Psychological Impact
Many young men and new fathers express feeling unprepared and disconnected, struggling with their identity and societal expectations. Without the guidance of mentors or communal traditions to mark key life transitions, they may experience confusion about their roles, leading to feelings of isolation - which can lead to distractions and addictions.
With the rise in mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety. statistics show that men are often less likely to seek help for mental health issues due to societal stigma around vulnerability and emotional expression.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, suicide is the leading cause of death for men under 50 in many countries, including the United States. Men account for approximately 75% of all suicide deaths, which highlights the severity of this crisis.
For those struggling, it's crucial to reach out for support, you are not alone. Resources like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S. (1-800-273-TALK) and similar services worldwide offer help for those in need.
The Movement
( Image Dan Doty)
"Our modern era separates us from our body and spirit, directly rupturing our health and vitality. Isolated from each other and disconnected from nature, we are bored and yearning for adventure." Quote from Rite of Passage Hunting
Reclaim Connection with Nature:
One of the most direct ways to remedy this disconnection is by spending time in nature. Rekindling our primal instincts, and experiencing a sense of adventure and purpose. Modern equivalents might include hiking, foraging, or even wilderness survival skills.
Create Rites of Passage for Modern Men: Men’s circles, wilderness retreats, and activities that challenge men physically and mentally can provide an avenue for such rites.
Cultivate Community and Brotherhood: Joining a men’s group, attending spiritual circles, or engaging in community-building activities can be a reminder of the shared journey.
Return to Ritual and Ceremony: The ancient rites of passage were more than just physical challenges — they were deeply spiritual. Bringing ritual back into our lives, whether through meditation, symbolic challenges, or ceremonies, can reconnect us to our spiritual nature. That we are always held and always worthy simply because we are HERE.
Support Our Men
This is written through the lens of my relationship with my partner but can be adapted to deepen relationships with all men in your life.
There are so many threads to unravel here, and my intention is to bring this topic into collective awareness. Exploring our relationships with men—partners, fathers, sons, or friends—requires us to examine our own narratives, projections, and expectations.
I’ve often heard statements like, “The men are doing a terrible job; the women need to take over.” When we held a Father Wound circle, it was clear that many of us carry unspoken frustrations, assumptions, and wounds regarding men.
By naming and sharing these thoughts, we began to feel into the sensations they created within us, tracing where these beliefs originated.
This process of reflection invites us into radical responsibility. It’s not about excusing past harm but about untangling the protective mechanisms that may prevent genuine connection.
Trust and reliance on men may feel impossible for some of us. Be gentle with yourself—go as slowly as you need to feel safe. This is about building your capacity to stay present, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Here are some things that came through:
Unpacking Our Patterns
Start by asking yourself:
What do I say about men in conversation?
What do I believe about their roles or capabilities?
Where do I feel this in my body?
Acknowledge the answers without judgment. They are your experiences. From there, consider how you can move forward with awareness and compassion, for yourself and for the men in your life.
Conscious Communication
If there is a man in your life who feels safe—someone willing to reflect, grow, and meet you with honesty—there’s an opportunity to deepen that connection. Conscious communication is key. It isn’t about perfection; it’s about intention.
Sometimes we mess up and say things we don’t mean. What matters is the willingness to reflect, take responsibility, and return to our center. Listening fully—without cutting off or dismissing their ideas—also plays a huge role in creating safety and trust.
5 Tips for Conscious Communication
Practice Active Listening
Fully focus on the speaker without preparing your response in advance. Show you're present through affirming gestures or verbal cues, and reflect what you've heard to confirm understanding.
Avoid Projections or Fixing
Stay aware of any personal fears or past experiences you may be unconsciously projecting. Refrain from trying to "fix" the other person's feelings unless explicitly invited to do so.
Honor Boundaries Respectfully
Acknowledge personal limits and communicate them. Use “I” statements to express your feelings while avoiding blame. Respect the boundaries shared by the other person.
Pause When Triggered
Recognize physical signs of being triggered, such as tension or shallow breathing. Pause to regulate your emotions before continuing the conversation.
Share With Intention
Speak from a place of connection, focusing on mutual understanding. Avoid interrupting or dismissing the other person's perspective, and prioritize deepening the relationship over being "right."
Moments of Connection
Set aside time for small rituals or shared moments that nourish your bond. For me and my partner, this might look like:
Swapping five-minute massages.
Sharing yoga or stretching together.
Making love with intention and presence.
Eye-gazing or sharing cacao in a quiet moment.
These moments strengthen connection without requiring constant words. With friends or family, adapt these ideas into laughter-filled activities or lighthearted collaboration.
Practices of Gratitude
Where can you celebrate the men in your life? It might be through:
Words of appreciation.
A kind gesture or unexpected gift.
A quiet acknowledgment—a look, a touch, or a smile.
A sense of belonging and being seen is a universal need, and gratitude can powerfully reinforce that.
Getting to Know Their Inner World
One practice that has shifted my relationship is exploring my partner’s younger self. I ask about his childhood, listen to the emotions behind his stories, and sometimes I hold space for his inner child in meditation. Even when I do this silently, the shifts in our dynamic are huge.
This process isn’t about saving anyone; it’s about showing up with intention. By nurturing our relationships with men, we honor the balance and interconnection of all people in our lives. Where can you begin? Let me know your thoughts or additional ideas below in the comments.
To our boys and men:
"You are strong in your softness, you grow through your challenges, and you are present for yourself and those you love. Your voice matters, your love nourishes, and you honor both your path and those who walk with you."
Thank you so much for taking this journey, below I will leave an invite to our 6-week women's circle facilitator training starting in January.
Sending you love,
Danielle
Comments