Healthy Sexulity: Your sexuality—quiet or wild—has always belonged to you.
- Danielle Baker
- May 7
- 14 min read
Updated: May 10
Sexual energy is a vibrant flavor of our life force—feared and suppressed because of its power to alchemize a new way into being.
Welcome sister, This blog is complementary to our upcoming women’s circle. Let it be a quiet wander through ideas and memories, so that when we meet, we can drop straight into this exploration.
Don't feel like reading - I recorded it for you:)
Trigger warning: Preparing this brought up unexpected material (as always)—I even met my own resistance along the way. Now I see why. This whole topic is woven into everything: it’s the movement of energy flowing from our authentic selves, our truth (whatever name you give it). That creative force arises from love, reminding us we have the power to create and contribute to a more aware, inclusive, and whole existence, not just among humans, but as one expression of nature. (You get me.)
So this is an invitation: take a moment for yourself, then come into circle with me to meditate on this topic and see what arises. Your insights are the gems that will help put the pieces together.
I hope you can join the live session on 25 May at 10 AM UK time (replay available) for inner reflection, shared meditation, and story medicine.
JOIN BELOW:
Word Magic
When the words sex, sexuality, and sexual energy arise, what stirs inside you?
Pause here.
Close your eyes for three slow breaths and feel any sensations, images, or memories—that felt sense is your gateway.
Sex - The biological and physical aspects of being male, female, intersex, or the act of sexual intercourse itself.
Sexuality - The broad spectrum of how we experience and express ourselves as sexual beings: our desires, identities, attractions, orientations, roles, and the cultural or personal meanings we attach to those experiences.
Sexual Energy- The fundamental life force or creative current that underlies and fuels all our sexual feelings and expressions—whether that shows up as erotic desire, playfulness, passion, intimacy, artistic inspiration, or simply the aliveness we feel in our bodies.
A brief Latin peek
Word | Latin roots | Literal sense |
sex | sexus | “state of being male or female or intersex; sexual intercourse” |
sexual | sexus + ‑ālis | “relating to sex” |
sexuality | sexual + ‑itās | “the quality or state of being sexual” |
Universal Life Force
I’ve come to connect with sexual energy as one potent flavor of Śakti, the universal life‑force that runs through all existence. I use Śakti because I’m familiar with the term from my yogic philosophy studies, though it’s been called many different names—and maybe it remains nameless for you, which is totally okay. Words are simply tools to help us navigate our minds.
This vibrant current flows through our bodies—an impulse that fuels our creativity, longing, and our capacity to merge with another or with life itself. In Sanskrit, Śakti (शक्ति, “force, power, energy”; from the root sakt, “to be able, to do”) enlivens Śiva, the silent witness within.
I sense sexual energy as a vibrant current flowing through my body—an impulse that fuels my creativity, longing, and capacity to merge with another or with life itself.
This current feels different from what I call the soul, which seems like the timeless, impartial presence beneath all our experiences. While the soul simply is, sexual energy flows—it moves us toward connection in art, intimacy, dance, and beyond. And though it awakens every sense—textures, tastes, sounds—it’s more than sensory: it’s the call to feel deeply, to bridge separation, to bring two forces into play.
Think of sexual energy as a raw life‑force and your body as the lens that shapes its expression. Your anatomy (hormones, nerves, blood flow) focuses that energy into physical sensations, while your history, beliefs, and culture tint its movement—contracting with shame or expanding with curiosity.
With conscious intention (through breath, movement, or focus), you can direct this current into creativity, healing, intimacy, or devotion.
To be honest, exploring this as a flavor of Śakti—or simply as “life‑force”—has helped me dive deeper into this topic. Those terms aren’t weighed down by my subconscious beliefs; they feel more spacious and true, and I can make sense of it all.
What about you? How do the words you choose shape your experience of these currents?
The Flavors of Shakti
Sexual energy is one vibrant flavor of Śakti—charged with desire, passion, and the impulse to merge. In that sense, every spark of erotic aliveness you feel is Śakti at work, yet Śakti itself is infinitely broader. It unfolds in many other flavors, each with its own essence and simple ways to connect:
Prāṇa (Breath Energy): The steady rhythm of inhalation and exhalation that sustains life and clears the mind.
Connect: Practice 3 minutes of deep belly breathing, noticing the rise and fall of your belly.
Emotional Energy: The waves of love, grief, joy, or anger that color our relationships and self‑understanding.
Connect: Journal one emotion each day—where you feel it in your body, and what it needs.
Creative Energy: The bright flash of inspiration that births new ideas, art, or solutions.
Connect: Spend 5 minutes doodling or free‑writing without judgment—let your hand flow.
Healing Energy: The restorative current that soothes wounds, balances emotions, and renews vitality.
Connect: Place a hand over your heart or injured area; breathe warmth into that spot.
Mental Energy: The focused clarity that fuels concentration, learning, and discernment.
Connect: Try a 2‑minute mindfulness practice—focus on a single object or thought, gently returning when distracted.
Spiritual Energy: The quiet glow of insight, devotion, or connection with the divine.
Connect: Sit in silence for a few moments, repeating a meaningful word or mantra.
Kundalinī Energy: The coiled potential at the base of the spine, whose awakening can catalyze transformation and expanded awareness.
Connect: Practice a simple spinal movement—like cat‑cow stretches—to awaken energy at your spine’s base.
Each facet emerges from the same living current, offering different pathways to vitality and wholeness.
Hold this as invitation, not absolute truth.
Use these categories as opportunities for self‑exploration. Notice which currents feel strong, which need more attention, and how they interconnect. Over time, seek balance in these expressions—this is your human experience, a dance of many philosophies aiming to deepen self‑knowledge.
Our exploration here and our online gathering invites us to observe those beliefs and return to what has always been here: the softness of our own bodies and an open heart. From there, we become conduits for this energy—which feels like our nectar.
“It’s time to unhook from the chains of old ideas and stigma—so life can flow through us and grow the dreams hidden in the seed of our hearts. Imagine an acorn: its core already holds the vision of a great oak. The environment may shape the journey, but the acorn remains true to its inner dream.”
Sensuality & Sexual Energy—Sisters, Not Twins
A few gatherings ago, we explored sensuality—that recording lives in the playlist Remember Wholeness.
So sensuality literally translates to “the quality or state of being sensory”—a person’s capacity to experience and live through touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound.
Only in later usage did sensuality pick up erotic overtones; at its core, it simply points to our innate ability to feel the world through the senses.
Sensuality is fully experiencing life through the senses: savoring textures, flavors, sounds, sights, and feelings. It invites us to be present without focusing on outcomes. Therefore, healthy sexuality depends on healthy sensuality —it is immersion from love, purity of heart, and curiosity.
And, when I say sexuality, I’m not limiting us to sex, orgasm, or partnership. I mean the intimate relationship we carry with our life force. It shows up as spark and play, as tenderness and longing, as how we relax into a hug or thrill at dusk’s scent.
Healthy sexuality is our birthright
There is pure, curious energy we arrive with, the life force that connects our soul-bound bodies to the world around us. It’s the impulse to share wisdom, pleasure, and vitality without agenda or manipulation, entering instead a harmonious dance of give‑and‑take.
It blooms when the mind releases its duty to guard the body—when we soften, surrendering into an organic flow of movement and creativity. In that space, we feel safe enough to open, to trust each “yes” and honor each “no,” knowing our boundaries are held.
Imagine it as a clear river of awareness that’s been cluttered by rocks and sticks—old fears, shame, distraction. Our work is simply to clear the channel so the current can run free again.
What does it feel like?
For me, it’s that first spark of recognition, “Oh, there you are!”—a tingle of excitement, a softening around the eyes, a deep, easy breath. Shoulders drop as the body remembers it’s safe. Pleasure begins to appear in small moments: the warmth of tea, a genuine laugh, the smell of my morning coffee . A feeling that I can meet the parts of myself that feel numb or shy with tenderness rather than judgment.
And yes, stones will keep falling in the river—moments of forgetting. But each time we return to tending that current, the river clears a little more, and that vital flow feels easier to recognize and honor.
Disconnection & Distortion
Where did this distortion begin?
It certainly didn’t start with you. Long before any of us arrived, entire systems were built to bottle up, redirect, or even sell our natural sexual energy.
Disconnection and distortion isn’t limited to any one context—it shows up in countless ways. It can begin within romantic relationships or not—yet often through the very people closest to us, simply because we trust them.
Our society has even created humans who begin to feel a sense of knowing with. These “celebrities” become modern objects of worship? We feel as if we know them, absorb their projected traits and ideas, and carry them as our own. This begins in childhood, when we look to characters on screens and stages to model who we could be.
This brings us to Shame,
Shame is the gatekeeper —if left unfriended—can become our worst enemy. It whispers that we’re “bad” or “unworthy,” driving us to cover up, perform, or chase external approval. Over the years I’ve supported many people, and almost every path leads back to that deep, inherited belief in our own “badness.” (Shame exploration in Remembering Wholeness Package)
When we remember our true selves, we discover that we’re here simply to be — to accept our humanity and let our pure, unbiased soul energy flow. That is our greatest gift to one another.
Some ways in which control took shape, then hid itself over time
Rules & Shame
Purity codes, celibacy vows, anti‑sodomy laws: channeling desire into marriage or confession.
Force & Violence
Rape as terror, colonial sterilizations, criminalizing sex work: driving survival underground.
Pathology & Medicalization
“Hysteria,” conversion therapies, locked wards: labeling desire as illness.
Bodily Control
Virginity tests, FGM, chastity belts: literally sealing off pleasure.
State Power
Contraception bans, eugenic policies, obscenity statutes: criminalizing autonomy.
Missionary & Colonial Projects
Punishing Indigenous traditions, tearing families apart, disrupting bloodlines.
Commodification & Surveillance
Pornography, swipe‑culture apps, influencer feeds: monetizing longing.
Resistance & Reclamation
Every feminist, queer, and survivor movement: pulling the pendulum back toward freedom.
Layer by layer, a silent message was hammered in: Shrink. Tame. Perform.
Today, many of us feel the gap between these inherited rules and our own living desire—but can’t always name where it came from.
Modern disguises—and quiet rebellions
Hidden algorithms dictating who you “should” meet.
Reclaim: Choose communities where authenticity matters more than swipe scores.
Intimate data tracked to sell “quick fixes.”
Reclaim: Tune into your own signals—journal, practice somatic awareness, seek trauma‑informed care instead of instant prescriptions.
Vague “community standards” muting diverse voices.
Reclaim: Amplify sex‑positive, queer, and disability‑affirming educators who normalize consent and pleasure for every body.
Fear‑based media pushing a single body ideal.
Reclaim: Curate your feed—unfollow shame‑or‑objectify feeds; follow those celebrating real, varied bodies.
Pop‑culture scripts of the “perfect” romance or lifestyle.
Reclaim: Watch with a critical eye, discuss with friends, write your own narratives.
Most of us never consciously chose to step away from a healthy relationship with our sexuality. Sometimes it slipped away in a sideways glance that made us shrink, a glossy ad rating which thighs deserve love, or a dinner‑table hush when a body question surfaced. For others, the rupture was loud—abuse, neglect, betrayal.
Yet beneath every borrowed rule, something softer still breathes: a pulse, a warmth, a whisper—I’m still here and I want to be part of this earthly existance.
Our task isn’t to wage war on ourselves, but to lean into that whisper, peel away what never belonged to us, and let desire find its own honest rhythm once more.
How does distance show up?
Sometimes it settles into the hips—everything goes numb while the mind runs a play‑by‑play of what should be a wordless moment. Other times it slips out as a quick, polite “yes” even while the body whispers not yet, not this.
There are nights of aching for closeness only to freeze the instant a hand meets skin, and mornings of sprinting toward sensation, hoping speed will outrun an emptiness we can’t name.
The pendulum can swing the other way, too: bold, rebellious displays that look free on the outside but don’t land as truth in the bones, or an urge to dance, to touch, to love that keeps pressing against an invisible wall of fear.
Every one of these responses is a clever, compassionate survival strategy—nothing to shame, everything to meet with gentleness.
And because we’re human, we experiment.
One woman might step into BDSM curious to feel something and discover it was performance, not intimacy - other may have been guided to it by this very force we speak of.
The difference isn’t the activity; it’s whether the impulse rises from trying to be sexual or from actually feeling sexuality move.
Sexual energy explores in a thousand costumes: clothing choices, dance styles, silence, sound, tenderness, edge.
Healthy boundaries—clear yes, clear no—help us notice when expression is real and when it’s camouflage. It isn’t about buying a new outfit or adopting a persona; it’s about listening for what is honest right now.
Alignment can look cosy and fluffy, pristine and soft, loud and vibrant—or any combination thereof—and it can shift from moment to moment.
It's a way not chosen by the mind but guided from within.
What healthy sexuality longs to restore
My own journey into this reclamation has been anything but gentle.
My childhood was met with experiences that tainted the purity of this relationship: a man living in our home for six years who was abusive on every level; turning to alcohol for refuge and using my inner sexuality to manipulate men into buying me drinks; climbing the popularity ladder by playing “hard to get” or dating popular guys and giving them what they asked.
When I left home, the military rewarded and encouraged sexual acts far removed from anything we’ve spoken of here. I remember my first night at the rugby club: a man pulling his pants down in front of me, another inserting a condom into his anus—messages that this was acceptable, even encouraged.
I retreated into a marriage for protection, which eventually ended, leaving me alone and confused—who the fuck was I, and how do I exist in this world? I sought refuge in spirituality that looked safe and healthy, only to find men lurking in the background promoting illusion—praising a certain body shape, insisting all is one so relationships are ridiculous, and “open love” is the true spiritual path.
That is just a glimpse. I’m still working through it.
My relationship with Ilan is a safe space for this work—he challenges me, drives me crazy, yet leads me back to the parts of myself I’d closed the door on. My wounded self still shows up—closing off, treating him as “mate,” pushing away intimacy—because a part of me is still waiting to be set free. But over five years I’ve noticed cracks of opening, and I’m moving forward slowly and gently.
Imagine this,
You open your eyes in the morning to realise there is no panel of judges, no checklist of moves, no scoreboard comparing you to anyone else—only the steady, honest pulse of your own body. Healthy sexuality is that homecoming.
It invites us to trust ourselves enough to hold both ravenous hunger and absolute disinterest without apology.
It builds boundaries that make intimacy safer, not rarer.
It welcomes pleasure wherever it appears—inside a deep belly‑laugh, a sunrise stretch, a lover’s touch, or the first sip of hot tea.
It grants us the freedom to evolve—blazing one season, quiet the next—always on our own timetable.
Sexual harassment and violence against women
Yet, it pains me to say that globally, 1 in 3 women experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime, with over 245 million facing intimate partner violence annually — though many cases go unreported due to stigma and fear.
Too many women carry stories of assault, harassment, coercion—experiences that rewired the body’s sense of safety. If this is part of your story, know you are not alone. Survivor hotlines, trauma‑informed therapists, local crisis centres, and women’s support circles stand ready to hold you.
Reaching out is not weakness; it is a fierce act of self‑protection and the first step back toward wholeness.
And here is the brighter truth: our sexuality—once honoured—becomes a super‑power.
First Steps on the Path Back
Reconnection rarely arrives as fireworks; more often it tiptoes in.
Start with sensing. Sit, breathe, scan: Where is warmth today? Where is emptiness?
Let small pleasures count. Salt on the tongue, feet in cool sand, music vibrating your ribs—each one rewires the brain toward safety and delight.
Practice inner consent. Notice how a genuine yes feels different from a polite one; honour them both with honesty.
Share your story when ready. Being witnessed can dissolve years of quiet shame.
Meet triggers kindly. When old fear surfaces, greet it as a visitor carrying messages, not as evidence you’ve failed.
Why Our Healing Matters to Others
I often hear the refrain “not all men, but always men.”
It lands like a sigh too heavy to hold: a recognition that while all men are not the problem, the deepest distortions of sexual energy still erupt most visibly through male bodies.
That eruption is rarely malicious at the start. It is a life‑force starved of guidance, bottled up by shame, and finally bursting into the world like a raging bull, blind to the harm it leaves behind.
Since becoming a mother to a daughter, I read the landscape differently. I notice the ads that invite her to shrink before she has even stretched, the jokes that teach boys to take before they have learned to respect.
This is the same ancient war on sexuality, just dressed in modern clothes. When boys are praised for conquest and mocked for tenderness, when curiosity is punished and consent is never modeled, the channel clogs. What could have been a steady, creative current contorts into entitlement, aggression, or secret shame.
So what do we offer instead?
We start with what children see, not what we say:
Teach that a clear yes is sacred, and a clear no even more so.
Apologise when we cross a line; let them watch repair in action.
Celebrate bodies in all their changes — first bleed, voice break, stretch marks, menopause — so these thresholds become honoured, not hidden.
Show that sexuality can move with curiosity, never fear; with respect, never manipulation.
Sexual energy is our gift.
Held with care, it becomes the force that builds art, babies, ideas, and communities.
Let it twist in secrecy and it lashes out.
Our task is to hold that power—our own and our children’s—until it is understood from the inside, guided by boundaries and breathed into relationships that expand rather than consume.
We do this work so our sons grow into men who can meet our daughters as equals, and so our daughters grow into women who never doubt that their bodies, their yes, and their no belong entirely to them.
An Invitation to Feel
On Sunday 25 May (Bali 5 PM – London 10 AM – AEST 7 PM) our circle meets online.
A guided meditation will invite sexual energy to rise—or simply be noticed—in the body.
Sian will draw tarot, offering archetypal mirrors.
We’ll reflect on key questions: Which moments pulled me away from sexuality? Which moments led me back?
We’ll share, not to diagnose, but to be witnessed. (Sharing is optional; listening is powerful, too.)
No performance, no pressure to arrive “healed.”
Come curious, cautious, fiery, numb, radiant, restless—come as you are.
Until then, may a single conscious breath on your lips remind you: Your sexuality—quiet or wild—has always belonged to you.
This is a complex, multi‑layered exploration.
If anything you’ve read here stirs discomfort or old memories, please honour that tender place in you.
Pause, breathe, let the feeling land. Reach for a friend, a journal, a therapist, a support line—whatever reminds you that you don’t have to hold it alone.
Your pace is perfect. Meet yourself with the same compassion you would offer a dear sister, and return to these words only when your body says it’s safe to keep going.
Love Danielle. When You Need Support — You Are Not Alone
If talking about sexual violence stirs pain, please know there is help.
Below are trusted helplines, organizations, and Instagram accounts offering information, crisis counseling, and compassionate listening. Save these to your phone so support is always close.
United States
• RAINN (24/7) — 800-656-4673 (IG @rainn)
•National Domestic Violence Hotline (IG @ndvh)
United Kingdom
• Rape Crisis (24/7) — 0808 802 9999 (IG @rapecrisisew)
• SurvivorsUK — for male and non-binary survivors (IG @survivorsuk)
Canada
• Ending Violence Canada (24/7) — 1-877-392-7583
• Canadian Women’s Foundation (IG @cdnwomenfdn)
• Kids Help Phone — for young people (IG @kidshelpphone)
Australia
• 1800 RESPECT (24/7) — 1800 737 732 (IG @1800respect)
• Full Stop Australia (IG @fullstopaustralia)
Worldwide / Online
• @metoomvmt — global survivor community
• UN Women (IG @unwomen)
• @healingfromsexualtrauma — peer-led support
To find help anywhere in the world:
Google “sexual assault hotline” + your country/city (most countries have free 24-hour lines).
Explore the Global Network of Women’s Shelters (GNWS) for local crisis centres.
Use counselling directories like Psychology Today or TherapyRoute to find sexual trauma-informed therapists (many offer sliding-scale or online support).
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